Say something about gay babies.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
