it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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