i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
