I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
