her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
