that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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