I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
