Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
