im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
