I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am puke
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
