I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
