Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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