i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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