That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
