I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
