And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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