I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How drunk are you?
Completed.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
