his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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