My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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