Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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