I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
