Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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