i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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