Someone shit on the floor
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
