Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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