he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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