the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
