I just pynch a tree in the face
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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