I didn't shave. On purpose
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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