Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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