Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
