I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
