we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
