I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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