I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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