I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
