I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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