I am puke
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
