I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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