well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My underwear smells like fireworks.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The air was thick with penises
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
