Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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