You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
