Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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