I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
