I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
