He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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