I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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