You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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