i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
