I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
